In reverse order of suckage (Does that mean #1 sucks and blows?) I present to you the top 15 songs that have the worst lyrics ever written.
15. Mr. Roboto- Styx
Domo Origato, Mr. Roboto. WTF? No, really, WTF? A real head-scratcher even to this day. Were they trying to break into the Japanese charts or something? However, you haven't lived until you've seen Pinocchio do a karaoke version of it on one of the "Shrek" DVDs. That was all kinds of awesome. This version however? It’s like the worst science-fiction movie put into song lyrics. So, I guess it’s kinda like “Battlefield: Earth”.
14. Buses and Trains- Bachelor Girl
Hopefully in the years since Aussie pop one-hit wonders Bachelor Girl were last heard of, they have learnt that falling in love is completely different to getting hit by a bus or train. I'm pretty sure that if you fall in love, you probably won't die or suffer permanent brain damage. At least, I’d certainly hope not. I mean, what kind of kinky tantric sex are these people having?
13. I Wish I Was a Punk Rocker- Sandi Thom
Sandi wants to be a punk rocker. Unfortunately she also wants to wear flowers in her hair. Hopefully someone has explained to Sandi in the years since this twee piece of folky crap was released that punks and flowers do not under any circumstance belong in the same sentence. So shockingly oxymoronic that I'm surprised the song was even released. Intentional or not, it unquestionably sucks.
12. Key Largo- Bertie Higgins
'We had it all. Just like Bogey and Bacall'. Do I need to go on? It's enough to make you think "(Escape) The Pina Colada Song" ain't so bad. Well, almost. Guys who own boats are such douchebags.
11. Itchycoo Park- Small Faces
Tree-hugging hippie crap with a title that sounds like baby gibberish. Drugs are bad, m'kay? Coochy Coochy Coo indeed.
10. Boom Boom (Let’s Go Back to My Room)- Paul Lekakis
Anyone who refers to their bedroom as the 'Boom Room' deserves to get knocked on their arse. A pick-up line masquerading as a song.
9. Rock Soldiers- Ace Frehley
Terrible vanity project from the KISS guitarist, full of terrible 'Ace' puns throughout. And now you know why Paul and Gene pretty much control everything in KISS. They might be giant egomaniacs, but at least they didn't write this shit.
8. Baby I'm-A Want You- Bread
Baby, you need to learn the English language first, because your song title and accompanying lyrics are grammatically incorrect and stupid.
7. Da Da Da- Trio
Seriously, that's it. That's all the lyrics. It makes "Popcorn" sound like freakin’ purple prose. It also sounds vaguely Commie to me.
6. Stand- REM
I doubt even REM know what this nonsense is about. I mean, I've heard Michael Stipe struggle to explain “Losing My Religion”, let alone this one.
5. I Am the Walrus- The Beatles
I love "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds", but this is just an LSD trip committed to music. Unbearable and nonsensical. The Fab Four had their heads up their arses for this one.
4. Milkshake- Kelis
What is it with modern R&B/hip-hop and the objectification of women? It's a song about tits, people. I love tits. Love 'em. But this is awful, and frankly, I don't find Kelis' milkshake to my personal taste anyway. I think her milk is probably long past its use by date anyway.
3. MacArthur Park- Richard Harris
Or any other version of the song you hate the most. This is just insane and stupefyingly incoherent nonsense that is either about the end of the world or someone who left a cake out in the rain.
2. The Friday Song- Rebecca Black
You knew it had to be on the list somewhere. Black's nasal (yet still clearly auto-tuned!) voice is bad enough, but listening to her babble on about which seat to take in the car or debating what day comes before or after Friday...it's pure torture. I don't care how young she is, I doubt she even wrote the thing herself, it was probably some 35 year-old dude who should've known better. Then again, everyone knows the song.
1. My Humps- The Black Eyed Peas
I don't even care if this is tongue-in-cheek or not, it's the most insipid and insanely misogynistic song I've heard in my life. A putrid objectification of women, shocking in the post-feminist era, and indicative of the worst in modern R&B/hip-hop.