Review: Rock of Ages

Based on the Tony Award-nominated musical of the same name and set in 1987, Julianne Hough plays small town girl Sherri Christian (And no, Shandi, Rosanna, and Janie are not here. Missed opportunity!), who comes to LA on a hope and a dream. She wants to be a singer. Or maybe she just wants to get on that midnight train that leads anywhere (Or does it just go on and on and on?- Get used to it folks, semi-obscure musical in-jokes aplenty in this review). Diego Boneta is Drew, a bartender at rock club The Bourbon Room, on Sunset Strip, and he too dreams of being a singer. Meanwhile, the Bourbon’s owners Dennis and Lonny (Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand!) lament a Conservative campaign to shut the joint down by Mayor Whitmore’s (Bryan Cranston) wife Tipper...er...Patricia (Catherine Zeta-Jones). Tom Cruise plays zonked-out rock star Stacee Jaxx, who got famous from playing the Bourbon a while back, and has agreed to come back for a show (He also has a monkey companion that may or may not be a nutless monkey). Will the anti-Rock crusade put the kybosh on these plans? And will the seriously dissolute and drunk Jaxx even be in a condition to play? Paul Giamatti plays Jaxx’s sleazy manager, wrestler Kevin Nash (AKA Big Sexy, AKA Diesel) plays one of Jaxx’s bodyguards, Malin Akerman plays a hot Rolling Stone reporter who comes to interview the semi-coherent Jaxx, R&B ‘star’ Mary J. Blige plays a stripper, and various other music identities have cameos.

 

I always knew that this 2012 film version from director Adam Shankman (“Hairspray”, TV’s “So You Think You Can Dance”), of the stage musical of the same name would be the furthest from my kind of thing possible. Yes, I love 80s rock/hard rock/metal music, no doubt about it. But this film version (I can’t comment on the musical itself, so bear in mind that my comments may/may not reflect something in the stage show as well) as scripted by actor-writer Justin Theroux (“Tropic Thunder”), the dreaded Allan Loeb (“The Switch”, “The Dilemma”, “Just Go With It”), and the musical’s creator Chris D’Arienzo really does reflect the “Glee”-fication of popular culture (and especially music) that I thoroughly detest and am mind-boggled by the success and popularity of. Applying it to music in my personal CD collection just angered the Def Leppard fan in me more and made it damn near certain that this was a film to be mocked.

 

The crux of the problem with this film is most clearly shown at the film’s climax where a PMRC-like Conservative activist group has a sing-off of sorts with a group of rock fans. The song that Catherine Zeta-Jones and her concerned citizens sing? Twisted Sister’s brilliant and iconic metal anthem ‘We’re Not Gonna Take It’. Meanwhile, the rock crowd retorts with Starship’s rightly ridiculed, rock music equivalent of a Happy Meal, ‘We Built This City”. Whether the lyrics match or not, shouldn’t it be the other way around? For starters, Twisted Sister front man Dee Snider was one of the star witnesses in the whole PMRC thing anyway, and really stuck it to Tipper Gore and co., who were baffled by a hard rocker who, y’know, spoke coherent and fluent English (Snider tells this story in every single freakin’ interview I’ve seen with him, and it’s getting annoying, but anyway...) The rock crowd, by the way, includes Skid Row front man and metal icon Sebastian Bach, Extreme guitarist Nuno Bettencourt, 80s stadium rock band REO Speedwagon’s front man Kevin Cronin, and the 80s answer to Britney Spears, Debbie Gibson. Forget the complete inappropriateness of the Starship song, this mishmash of 80s/90s music icons is jarring and offensive enough. And all of this appears to be played without any sense of irony whatsoever. How do I know it wasn’t being ironic? Because Rolling Stone magazine had ‘We Built This City’ as the Worst Song of the 80s, and a Rolling Stone reporter is one of the characters in the film. No way is this film aware of the irony. Oh, and Sebastian, you are officially not cool anymore. I could forgive the “Gilmore Girls” appearances, but a Starship song? At least sing the good one! (‘Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us’- Don’t lie, you enjoy belting it out too, readers!).

 

Frankly, the film kinda died for me one minute into the film with the insufferably self-conscious, chipmunk-voiced Julianne Hough and others sing Night Ranger’s pathetically wimpy power ballad ‘Sister Christian’. It’s smart to play so many power ballads, given that these cast members would sound laughable singing something by Judas Priest or Ozzy Osbourne, but no self-respecting rock fan likes that damn song. But I really do draw the line at that climatic scene, which was truly unforgiveable. My point is that whether it’s Mr. Shankman (who always comes across as an affable guy on “So You Think You Can Put Up With Mary Murphy’s Voice For Two Hours”) or Mr. D’Arienzo, someone in the creative process has shown a complete lack of understanding of the whole rock music scene of the 80s. I think these are musical theatre guys who approach the music from that perspective (Don’t forget that Shankman was the director of the sanitised, musical version of John Waters’ subversive “Hairspray”). They needed someone with a real knowledge of the music, how it should sound, which songs belong in the film, and which ones don’t. As it stands, the film will only work for the musical theatre crowd and Gen-Y Gleeks who don’t know any better. And yes, we do get a rendition of Journey’s now unlistenable (Fuck you, “Glee!”) ‘Don’t Stop Believing’. You knew it had to be here, and all the Journey songs (strangely not their best song, ‘Open Arms’) just make the “Glee” comparisons all the more unavoidable (Shankman even directed an episode!). The film is so unbelievably uncool that it throws off the entire Conservatives vs. Rockers deal by lumping songs by Foreigner, and Quaterflash’s ‘Harden My Heart’ (!) with Twisted Sister’s metal anthem ‘I Wanna Rock’ and Def Leppard’s stripper anthem ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’. And Pat Benatar? She’s like P!nk’s idea of a rock star, and should never be associated with the likes of Poison, Whitesnake, or G ‘n’ R. Hell, even Gunners fans would scoff at them being associated with Poison (Though Slash did audition to be in Poison, I hate to break it to Gunners fans but it’s true). But more importantly, the PMRC were more interested in WASP’s ‘Animal: Fuck Like a Beast’ and Twisted Sister’s ‘Under the Blade’ than one-hit wonder soft rock hacks like Quarterflash or borderline ‘easy listening’ bands like Foreigner. That just shows a complete lack of knowledge of all the different subsets of not just rock ‘n’ roll, but hard rock and heavy metal (not to mention a lack of understanding about historical events/issues). Hell, I’m surprised they didn’t just throw a rendition of Styx’s *snicker* ahead of its time *snicker* ‘Mr. Roboto’ out there for good measure. And while I might have albums by artists from all forms of rock music (not to mention disco, R&B, pop etc.), the majority of die-hard rock fans, especially in the 80s, were always very particular about what bands were cool and what bands were uncool under the Rock ‘n’ Roll banner. To lump all these bands together and give phenomenally overrated R&B diva Mary J. Blige (rockin’ out there, dude! Throw up the devil horns Mary, you tool!) a big supporting role is basically giving a large proportion of rock fans the middle finger. I mean, why give us a giant Motorhead billboard in the same film that gives us Foreigner and ‘Sister Christian’? Give me one good goddamn reason why Mary J. Blige is in this film. She has no business whatsoever being here.

 

Look, I’m not just some nitpicking nerd who is gonna go on about how some of the songs on the soundtrack are quite clearly from well before 1987. No my problems with this film are bigger than that. The scene where Hough sprays hairspray into her hair is but one of many examples of how this film is clearly just a pretender. Hairspray may have been a fashionable thing for women especially, in the 80s rock scene, but it was just one of many elements and the scene typifies Ms. Julianne Hough’s inability to project a natural screen presence (as much of an oxymoron as that might sound).

 

The people doing the singing in the film is also a sore point for me as it pertains to the complete lack of understanding of the music. The film is about as rock ‘n’ roll as P!nk (Actually, that’s unfair to honorary Aussie Alecia Moore, she at least plays the part of a rocker off-stage even if her music is a way too pop to be considered rock). I mean, as much as I love ‘I Wanna Rock’, it loses something when a frizzy-haired, big-nosed, make-up wearing freaky dude is replaced by a kid who looks straight out of “High School Musical”. The filmmakers/producers are not fans of this music, and most of the cast appear to be clueless too (“So You Think You Can Dance” alum Mia Michaels being listed as choreographer doesn’t help give this rock cred, either). Julianne Hough, in particular, has been given songs that are just plain wrong for her small, pretty (if slightly husky) singing voice. It’s not quite Mariah Carey singing Def Leppard’s ‘Bringin’ on the Heartbreak’ levels of badness, and Paul Giamatti sounds just as bad, but Julianne Hough has absolutely no business singing a Whitesnake song. Ever. Does she have a voice? Yep, but so does Xtina Aguilera and I still fast forward through her performance alongside the Rolling Stones in the otherwise brilliant “Shine a Light” (But I could talk to you all day about why I hate Ms. Aguilera passionately). Some people just shouldn’t sing rock ‘n’ roll, and Hough’s girly-voiced rendition of Poison’s ‘Every Rose Has Its Thorn’ made me hate my CD collection momentarily. Co-lead Diego Boneta fares better, and his version of Poison’s ‘Nothin’ But a Good Time’ is OK under the decidedly ‘soft cock’ soft rock circumstances. Meanwhile, according to the filmmakers, strippers didn’t actually strip in 1987. On the Sunset Strip. Although I’m straight, I’m a proudly pro-gay (and pro gay marriage for that matter) kinda guy, but this is why you never hire a gay musical theatre director to do a film about the 80s Sunset Strip music scene. It’s just not Shankman’s thing, as one assumes he hasn’t seen Motley Crue’s iconic ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’ clip (That damn clip made a man out of me, let me tell you!).

 

The film is also one-dimensional (yet strangely with too much plot, the PMRC stuff almost being forgotten about), and frankly, a bit one-note. It’s the same thing over and over, with only the songs changing. As to the former, the funny thing is that the plot could be from a 50s movie about the devils of Elvis’ thrusting pelvis. I’m not sure Shankman and co are in on the joke, however, or even aware of it. You’d think the basic scenario would be more ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ (or Nikki Sixx’s “Heroin Diaries” perhaps), but instead, plays like “Beach Blanket Rock Concert” by way of Poison’s ‘Fallen Angel’ (‘Talk Dirty to Me’ gets a play, by the way, and it’s the actual Poison version, not a karaoke wannabe- make all the Poison jokes you want, as a fan I’ll decline). Seriously, listen to the lyrics of that underrated hard rock song and tell me it’s not Hough’s basic character arc!

 

The material also forces some of the actors to dumb things down, with Catherine Zeta-Jones in particular giving an amateurish performance that belongs in a Christmas pantomime or something. Amazingly, even Russell Brand seems incredibly forced, and although I suppose someone thought he and Alec Baldwin were funny...just not me. Baldwin is actually pretty embarrassing and miscast. He sure as hell can’t sing, either (at least Zeta-Jones can claim to be one of the better singers in the film and she looks a LOT better in leather than Rob Halford ever did). I also have to disagree with most people who suggest a duet between Baldwin and Brand leads to the single funniest moment in the film. It’s a potentially funny moment ruined by poor song choice, and not just because it’s the other REO Speedwagon (Everyone knows ‘Keep on Loving You’ was their only good song). No, as soon as you hear the piano intro of ‘Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore’, you know exactly what the joke is going to be. It also bugged me for another reason. Given Shankman’s sexual preference, it seemed odd to me that he’d seemingly poke fun at the homoeroticism of heavy metal/hard rock, because the rock scene has been homoerotic enough (Leather-clad Rob Halford anyone? Poison’s “Look What the Cat Dragged In” album  cover, even?) that the joke isn’t necessary and is rather insulting. Or it would be, if I didn’t know Shankman is gay. What is he trying to say? I’m not sure. I do know, however, what was trying to be said about rock ‘n’ roll fighting off the emergence of boy bands and hippity hop, and I’m sorry, but Paul Giamatti’s character was right and the rest of the film wrong- rock really did die and the first wave of boy bands (New Edition, New Kids on the Block) took over. It’s true. So the film lies and destroys rock music all over again.

 

So is there anything worthwhile in this film at all? Well, no, not really, but I have to admit that Tom Cruise at least got into the right spirit of things (Paul Giamatti and Bryan Cranston are also well-cast and effective in minor roles). That is to say, he’s the only actor in the entire film who knows this is a joke and acts accordingly. I don’t necessarily think that results in a good performance per se, but at least he’s not taking this shit seriously. Better still, he’s one of the better singers in the entire film, which surprised me because the trailers made him sound awful. His version of ‘Paradise City’ sounds more like Vince Neil than Axl Rose, but at least it’s in the same ball park and his version of ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ is a lot better than the trailers made it seem. He also handles Def Leppard’ stripper anthem ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’ (a great song from the greatest album of all-time, “Hysteria”) rather well given Joe Elliott’s vocals at that time were pretty damn good. Whether Cruise is truly acting appalling on purpose or not, it’s at least an entertaining performance. On what level, I’ll leave it up to you to decide. His cod piece is the single greatest thing in the entire film. I wonder if it shoots sparks. That’s one for the W.A.S.P fans out there. It’s just a shame that his interview with journalist Malin Akerman (whose singing is up there with Cruise and Zeta-Jones) didn’t take place poolside. Yep, another obscure W.A.S.P reference for y’all, but the way Cruise drinks from a bottle suggests that at least he gets it. Also, the pistol tattoos he has that point down towards his crotch are hilarious. Also, as much as I hate Foreigner and find Mia Michaels annoying, the choreography in the make-out scene between Cruise and Akerman is hilariously lurid, you’d swear it was a Whitesnake clip. But I’m afraid that’s it for niceties.

 

This is not for fans of 80s rock, hard rock, and/or heavy metal. It commits more crimes against rock ‘n’ roll than any other film in history. It’s for the tweeners who don’t know that Joan Jett’s ‘I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll’ isn’t really all that rock ‘n’ roll (unless it’s Ms. Jett herself singing it perhaps), and it’s for the theatre crowd who loved the stage musical. Pretty much everyone else will loathe it, especially if they have good taste in music and movies, for that matter. And I say that as someone whose taste in music even extends to ABBA, and a movie buff who- Pierce Brosnan’s tragically bad singing aside- found “Mama Mia!” rather good-natured fun, even for someone like me who hates musicals passionately. So I’m not easily pigeon-holed. But if this was never meant for rock fans in the first place then why does the musical take its name from a Def Leppard song? (Yes, the term ‘rock of ages’ has a longer history than that, but c’mon...). Then again, Def Leppard apparently performed at the film’s LA premiere, so I probably shouldn’t be using Def Leppard (who have created great music, but have definitely struggled to remain relevant since about 1992 and seemingly turned into Collective Soul for a while there in the late 90s early 00s) in my arguments anyway.

 

This one’s for the “Glee” crowd and fans of stage musicals, neither of which include me, so see it and make up your own mind, but I hated the hell out of it.

 

Rating: D+