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Showing posts from June 2, 2013

Review: The River Murders

Police detective Ray Liotta becomes the prime suspect in a series of murders of girls he has known in the biblical sense. Antagonistic FBI agent Christian Slater is called in to investigate, and takes an immediate disliking to Liotta. Liotta’s girlfriend Gisele Fraga, meanwhile, has a hard time hearing about her main man’s long string of former bed mates. Meanwhile, Liotta’s boss (Ving Rhames) and partner (Sarah Ann Schultz) do all they can to help him, whilst the audience is introduced to the real killer, a religious nutter played by Michael Rodrick, who has a connection to Liotta deep in his past that is slowly revealed. Raymond J. Barry plays Liotta’s recently widowed dad.

A tired and clichéd killer thriller, this 2011 film from Rich Cowan looks like a drab Canadian made-for-TV film (aside from some nice rainy scenery) and plays like a lame episode of “Criminal Minds”. Except with a lot more uses of the word ‘vagina’. Cinematographer Dan Heigh really ought to have turned a few more…

Review: Reign of Assassins

The Dark Stone band of assassins steal half of the remains of a martial-arts expert and monk, apparently possession of the full remains is said to grant enormous power to the possessor. The Dark Stone assassins also murder the people currently in possession of said remains. However, during the chaos, one of the assassins, Drizzle (Kelly Lin) betrays her brethren and nicks off with the half of the remains. However, after hiding out with a monk named Wisdom (Li Zonghan) who helps her hone her sword technique (not a euphemism for sex), and later leads her towards a possible redemption for her past misdeeds. She ends up leading the quiet life, having taken surgical measures to hide her identity (hence Michelle Yeoh now playing the role) and pose as a simple merchant. She even shacks up with a guy (Woo sung-jung). Unfortunately, her past is about to catch up to her, as her old gang show up with a nasty replacement for her (an excellent Barbie Hsu), and bad intentions in mind.

Ten years aft…

Review: Faces in the Crowd

Milla Jovovich plays a kindergarten teacher who, after a night of drinking with her girlfriends (including Sarah Wayne Callies), is witness to a serial killer pouncing on his latest victim. Unfortunately for Jovovich, the killer sees her, and although she escapes, she ends up with a head injury. When she wakes up in hospital, something seems seriously screwy. She can no longer recognise faces. Amnesia? Nope, it’s a rare condition of facial blindness, where even those closest to her are no longer recognisable. Whilst Jovovich goes to see Marianne Faithfull to help her adjust to her condition, a pair of cops (including Julian McMahon) attempt to get her to recall what she saw. But given even her jerk boyfriend Michael Shanks’ face keeps changing on her, that isn’t going to be easy and the killer is still on the loose.

Cheesy as it is, this 2011 thriller from writer-director Julien Magnat (a second directorial effort, after much TV animation screenwriting) nearly manages to provide solid…

Review: The Dictator

In a film dedicated in ‘Loving memory of Kim Jong-Il’), Sacha Baron Cohen stars as cruel and trigger-happy dictator Admiral General Aladeen, who despite a Middle Eastern accent is apparently ruler of a fictional North African country...that is rich in oil. He’s egotistical, racist, a misogynist, a murderer (with a seriously short fuse), has been sexually serviced by several Hollywood stars (male and Meagan Fox), is working on a nuclear weapons program, and is a complete tool. His presence is requested in New York for the UN, but his comrade-in-arms and uncle Tamir (Sir Ben Freakin’ Gandhi Kingsley!) has other ideas and arranges to have him snuffed and replaced by an impersonator. He avoids that, but is now in New York with nowhere to go and no one to help him. After being kidnapped and shaved of his beard by a local nutjob (an unfunny John C. Reilly), Aladeen (sounds like Aladdin, right?) walks into a greenie food store run by a lefty activist girl with a pixie cut and hairy armpits (…

Review: That’s My Boy

Andy Samberg is the grown-up product of an illicit affair between a 13 year-old kid (Justin Weaver) and his seriously hot teacher (the latter played early on by Eva Amurri Martino). Years later, Samberg’s dad (now a washed-up ‘celebrity’ of-sorts played by Adam Sandler) wants to reconcile with his son, who is about to be married to wealthy heiress Leighton Meester and wants nothing to do with his estranged father. He views him as somewhat of an embarrassment on the level of a grubby venereal disease, and instead begrudgingly introduces him to the in-laws as an old buddy. Of course, Sandler has ulterior motives in wanting this reunion. He owes the IRS, is facing jail time, and has concocted a reality TV-style reunion pitch between himself, Samberg, and his jailbird mother. The supporting cast is full of Sandler cronies (Rachel Dratch, Ana Gasteyer, Will Forte, Colin Quinn, Nick Swardson, Blake Clark), celebrity cameos (Ian Ziering, Vanilla Ice and Todd Bridges as themselves, James Caan…