Review: Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

Note: You may or may not know, but Epinions.com has pretty much been taken over by eBay, and thus I will be moving some of my reviews from there to here, as I’m not sure what will become of them otherwise. I’m sad to see the site pretty much go, I had a good decade or so writing for them, but I’ll do my best to provide you with (in my opinion) the best of my work from there, beginning with this review.

 

And now, your feature presentation...

 

A bunch of weird elements have come together to create a one-off film masterpiece. Many have tried for intentional camp, but fail miserably and humorously. BVD is a film like no other. It’s not a sequel to "Valley of the Dolls" (book or film), but similar in basic plot. Not a total parody of the aforementioned, either, because screenwriter Roger Ebert and filmmaker Russ Meyer weren't overly familiar with the source. Nope, this is Beyond the Valley of the Dolls baby, an original, and terrific entertainment.

 

Three sexy girl musicians and their goofy, Greg Brady-looking manager attempt to make it big in the industry. Along the way, each of these four characters meet several other important characters, and these interactions will be the catalyst for either their demise or their success as the venture BEYOND the valley of the dolls.

 

First, there's lead singer Kelly McNamara, played by playboy centrefold Dolly Read, who struggles to hide her English accent. She's sorta got a thing going on with the manager, Harris, but when then she meets three very important men who make her forget all about Harris. Ronny 'Z-Man' Barzell (John LaZar) is a Phil Specter-type record exec who takes Kelly and her pals under his deranged  wing...oh yes, there's more to the Shakespeare-quoting, sensible shoes-wearing Z-Man than meets the eye. Then there's studly toy-boy Lance Rocke...famous for being pretty, I guess, and Kelly is immediately drawn to him, and all the fame, parties, and fortune he and Z-Man provide. Then we have Porter Hall (Duncan McLeod), an old fuddy-duddy who works for Kelly's sexy Aunt Susan (the delectable Phyllis Davis), and is hell-bent on ruining Kelly and her 'hippie' friends.

 

My favourite character would have to be bass player Casey, played by the ample-bosomed playmate Cynthia Myers, easily the most talented of the trio. Her character doesn't like the whole party scene, and is instead drawn to lesbian (woo hoo!...er

...sorry) photographer Roxanne (Meyer regular Erica Gavin). Anyhow, Casey is the owner of the most beautiful eyelashes you'll ever see (and no, that's not a euphemism for something dirty!)

 

And then there's Petronella 'Pet' Danforth, played by Marcia McBroom, the resident 'Soul Sister' drummer of the group. She meets straight-laced lawyer Harrison Page, and all is going well, if a little vanilla, when in walks (shirtless) Randy Jackson (no, not that Randy Jackson...or the other one for that matter), a studly, swaggering Muhammad Ali-type, who sweeps Pet off her feet.

 

Poor Harris, meanwhile, is left out in the cold, and left vulnerable to the advances of statuesque pornstar Ashley St. Ives, a real man-eater, who is played by once-famous starlet Edy Williams, who gets the film's second best line; 'You're a Groovy Boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime!' (The best line being one from Z-Man: ‘You will drink the black sperm of my vengeance!’)

 

All of these characters are going to be tested, in this bizarre concoction by famed film critic Roger 'I liked Anaconda' Ebert and legendary 'Nudie Cutie' filmmaker Russ Meyer, whose pop-culture and humorous touches are as rapid fire as the film's terrific editing style. The characters all have soap opera names, and the plot is pure corn, but served in such a frenzied, over-the-top manner, all intentionally, that it becomes a truly unique motion picture experience that defies categorisation.

 

The film has many satirical moments (one character is wheelchair-bound in a truly hilariously overdone moment), some genuinely clever touches (references in shots to "Citizen Kane", and a frenzied finale that has to be seen to be believed, and is a masterstroke of editing), some great exploitation content (lesbian love scenes, an hermaphrodite who wants to be called 'Superwoman', a decapitation etc., even a cameo by future exploitation queen Pam Grier, if you're sharp), and by the end  of the film, you inexplicably end up caring about the characters. And hey, there's lots of towering women with large breasts in it too, need I say more?

 

This is supremely entertaining, and not the bad movie some might lead you to believe (particularly those who would confuse it with "Valley of the Dolls", which is awful). Hey, even the music is catchy, and I would gladly choose this film over any Shannon Tweed, or fill-in-the-plastically-enhanced-softcore-star-of-your-choice film, any day. It's smarter, funnier, more action-packed (the finale especially, involving a triple homicide, a lesbian scene, a hermaphrodite, a Nazi, a double wedding, AND an epilogue), and yeah, there's lots of breasts here too. Everyone needs to see this film at least once in their life. It’s insane, and kinda brilliant.

 

Rating: A-