Review: ABCs of Death 2

“A is for Amateur”: An assassin has a bugger of a time completing his latest job. “B is for Badger”: A pompous wildlife TV presenter is doing a story on badgers being affected by a local power station when a mutant badger runs amok. “C is for Capital Punishment”: Local townsfolk accuse a man of murder. “D is for Deloused”: Animated weirdness about bugs…or something. “E is for Equilibrium”: Two men on a desert island fight for the affections of a newly arrived woman. ‘Coz they’re both dicks. Or something. “F is for Falling”: About a female Israeli soldier stuck in a tree when a Palestinian with a gun comes along. “G is for Grandad”: A snotty young man moves in with his cranky old grandfather. “H is for Head Games”: Animated nonsense involving two people who pretty much obliterate each other’s faces. Yeah, OK then. “I is for Invincible”: A greedy family attempt to off their mother to get her money. It doesn’t go well. At all. “J is for Jesus”: Religious-y types try to exorcise the ‘gay’ out of a man. It doesn’t go well, either. “K is for Knell”: A woman is disturbed by murderous visions in a nearby apartment building seemingly caused by some mysterious force that eventually heads straight for her. “L is for Legacy”: It’s about a tribal sacrifice. “M is for Masticate”: A flesh-eating fat man goes on a rampage eating anyone he comes across. “N is for Nexus”: A Halloween tale set in New York from the POV of two people preparing for their date. “O is for Ochlocracy (Mob Rule)”: A Miracle cure for a zombie plague results in zombies now running the courts and prosecuting the living. Pretty sure this will be “Judge Judy” in a few years. What? You think this is just a straight-up synopsis? “P is for P-P-P-P Scary!”: Bumbling escaped convicts freak out at things that go bump in the night. “Q is for Questionnaire”: An intelligence test that has horrific consequences for anyone who aces it. “R is for Roulette”: A B&W segment about tiddlywinks. OK, so it’s about a game of Russian Roulette. “S is for Split”: A husband away on a business trip calls his wife just as an intruder enters and attacks her. “T is for Torture Porn”: The set of a porno gets seriously messy in all the wrong ways. Think Hentai porn…but live-action! “U is for Utopia”: An anti-septic futuristic tale about a chubster who doesn’t quite fit the mould, to his peril. “V is for Vacation”: A man makes a video call back home to his girlfriend, while on vacation. His dickhead best friend spoils things by showing her what he’s really been up to. And it only gets worse from there. “W is for Wish”: Two kids get transported into the world of their favourite “He-Man”-esque toy. Things prove far more grim and serious than they expected. “X is for Xylophone”: A babysitter gets the shits with the child constantly banging away at the xylophone. “Y is for Youth”: A young girl with revenge fantasies about her parents. “Z is for Zygote”: A husband leaves his heavily pregnant wife alone in a remote cabin but tells her to wait for him to return. Cut to thirteen years later and…

 

The first anthology film was a complete waste of time, as even the best of the segments were hampered by the time restraints of fitting in 26 short films into one two hour anthology film. This 2014 follow-up is at least a much improved version of the same damn thing (almost to the point of recommending it), but I still think the central idea is an ill-conceived one. The first film was 26 flavours of suck, whilst this time out I seemed to have more fun and the filmmakers seemed to better manage the time constraints than last time out. I must say, though, that barely any of the segments seemed to belong to the horror genre. As far as I was concerned, this one was a comedy, and sometimes hilarious. So let’s go through the entries one by one:-

 

 

“A is for Amateur” Directed by E.L. Katz: OK, so we get chicks going topless, dancing, and occasionally making out. Unfortunately, it’s been so choppily edited that you can’t enjoy any of it. I call it “A is for Prick-Tease and I don’t care if it starts with an A or not!”. It’s got a dumb story, isn’t remotely horror-related, and not funny in the slightest. Hardly a good start.

 

“B is for Badger” Directed by Julian Barratt: 30 seconds of this one is funnier than the entirety of the first “ABCs of Death”. Director Barratt is hilarious as the wonderfully pompous Toland. It’s not horror, but quite funny schlock that actually works within the time limit. Any longer and it’d be too dumb and run out of steam. Probably the highlight of the whole film.

 

“C is for Capital Punishment” Directed by Julian Gilbey: This one’s dopey and too short to be anything special, but it does at least show how difficult it actually is to decapitate someone. Not that I have experience in such matters, mind you. A disappointment from the director of the very fine “A Lonely Place to Die”.

 

“D is for Deloused” Directed by Robert Morgan: Interestingly ugly stop-motion animation, this is so fucking weird you’d swear David Cronenberg was involved. I’m not sure I understood any of it, but it sure is interestingly weird.

 

“E is for Equilibrium” Directed by Alejandro Brugues: WHAT?

 

“F is for Falling” Directed by Aharon Keshales and Navot Papushado: Was this meant to be profound? ‘Coz it was stupid and once again you’re reminded that this thing is marketed as horror when it’s anything but horror. “No Man’s Land” did this basic idea a lot better at feature length.

 

“G is for Grandad” Directed by Jim Hosking: Nicholas Amer is terrific as the title character, whilst Richard Hardisty makes Iggy Pop look portly. This one’s actually a pretty amusing black comedy segment that works quite well at this length. Well-done!

 

“H is for Head Games” Directed by Bill Plympton: Scribbly hand-drawn animated segment, just plain stupid. It’s one-note stuff with a joke title that, like “A” just isn’t funny at all.

 

“I is for Invincible” Directed by Erik Matti: This one is like turning on a really fun, gory Asian horror film at the ¾ mark. I sorta found myself enjoying it, but only on a surface level. I’d prefer to see a whole feature-length film version of it, but at least this one was genuinely horror.

 

“J is for Jesus” Directed by Dennison Ramalho: This one really, really walks a tightrope, and even if it’s not ultimately homophobic (I kinda think it is, though when you think about it) it’s still very silly. More fleshing out might’ve helped. It’s possibly blasphemous too, actually.

 

“K is for Knell” Directed by Kristina Buozyte & Bruno Samper: Simple, well-shot and effective. One of the best segments. More like this, please!

 

“L is for Legacy” Directed by Lancelot Imasuen: Why the subtitles for people speaking clear and coherent English? This one’s interesting for Ethnic diversity, though it might be a tad racist. Best of all, it’s gory, stupid monster movie fun. It plays more like a movie trailer than an anthology segment, but hey, at least it sure is different! One of my favourites for sure.

 

“M is for Masticate” Directed by Robert Boocheck: Slow-mo zombie/cannibal nonsense until it reaches a genuinely hilarious punchline that almost makes it worthwhile.

 

“N is for Nexus” Directed by Larry Fessenden: Finally a filmmaker I recognise, but this is a shithouse piece of garbage from someone who should’ve known better. This seemed like a crap home movie with no context whatsoever.

 

“O is for Ochlocracy (Mob Rule)” Directed by Hajime Ohata: Anything that contains the hilarious term ‘Apparent Death Syndrome’ can’t be too bad. This is typically crazy Asian nonsense that once again, would’ve been even more fun at feature length.

 

“P is for P-P-P Scary!” Directed by Todd Rohal: Pretty much everyone hates this segment and I’m no different. This is like Abbott and Costello, except it’s three Costello’s, they all have fake noses and stutter. Weird, but not in any entertaining way. Fucking cheat of a title, too. One of the worst.

 

“Q is for Questionnaire” Directed by Rodney Ascher: A cute idea is completely ruined by the dumb decision to give us all the information at once instead of playing out in linear fashion. Fail.

 

“R is for Roulette” Directed by Marvin Kren: This one ends just as it was actually about to go somewhere. WTF?

 

“S is for Split” Directed by Juan Martinez Moreno: Pretty interesting idea for a home invasion attack story and it works well within the time frame. Bloody harsh and has the best acting in the entire film for sure. You will NOT see the ending coming at all. It might be a tad on the nose, but boy was it a shocking twist. Bravo! Second best behind “B is for Badger”.

 

“T is for Torture Porn” Directed by Jen and Sylvia Soska: Full marks for…um…going somewhere I would never have expected and the joke title is actually hilarious. Two women being at the helm is no surprise, either. It’d be unbearable at feature length but here it works…just.

 

“U is for Utopia” Directed by Vincenzo Natali: The director of “Cube” and “Splice” gives us a dopey segment that looks like a commercial…that makes no sense whatsoever. The worst segment until…

 

“V is for Vacation” Directed by Jerome Sable: The most notorious segment of the film, this one has its fans. I think it’s sick, ugly, and pointless. Without question the worst segment in the entire film. Just irredeemably ghastly.

 

“W is for Wish” Directed by Steven Kostanski: A genuinely funny segment as two kids are transported into the world of a toy commercial ala “H-Man and The Masters of the Universe” as if it were a real place. And boy is it NOT kids’ stuff. Best toy commercial ever! Fantasy Man is a hoot. Oh, if only this were a full-length film. Picks up the Bronze medal here.

 

“X is for Xylophone” Directed by Julian Maury and Alexandre Bustillo: A sick joke. A really, really, really sick joke that is neither funny nor scary. It’s deeply troubling in ways the directors probably didn’t intend. If it was intentional, I question their morals. It’s not even clever.

 

“Y is for Youth” Directed by Soichi Umezawa: More Asian strangeness, probably less compelling than the others but still weird enough to work. There’s certainly some memorable…imagery.

 

“Z is for Zygote” Directed by Chris Nash: Yet another one-joke segment, but the joke is so out there you surely have to commend them for going there. It’s so damn stupid and I’m not sure why the ‘baby’ still has a kid’s voice 15 years later, but funny is funny, and unlike “V is for Vacation” it’s too damn silly to be offensive or off-putting.

 

Rating: C+